(This was written stream of consciousness style and could be very triggering for some people so please proceed with caution)
Fuck it’s 2.30 am when I’m starting this writing. I was in a relationship for 7 years, it started when I was 13 and he was 16, right off the bat that's fucked up, 3 years is not a massive age gap when your an adult, but the difference between a 16-year-old and a 13-year-old is massive, I'm currently 20 years old at the time of writing and I cannot fathom dating a 17-year-old because to me that is a child.
God, he was so fucked up. sometimes I say our relationship wasn’t always abusive, and maybe it wasn’t I don’t know anymore, but I do know it wasn’t healthy at any fucking point. but I was 13 I had no point of reference I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was, maybe he didn’t either.
He was controlling and jealous, and violent, not towards me, well sometimes towards me but he never hit me, but to perceived romantic rivals, fucking anyone he didn’t like, I hated it, I always hated him being violent, or talking violently, it scared me, that didn’t fucking stop him though did it. I learned to use gender-neutral pronouns around him because it made him less jealous than male pronouns, although that didn’t work forever, he became violent and jealous towards anyone since I’m queer. Actually, it didn’t matter mine or their sexuality, he became jealous of my male gay friend, so there’s that too.
The thing that is really fucking haunting me tonight though is the sexual assault/rape. I almost never call it rape, it’s a very difficult thing for me to process, that he raped me, that’s why I keep typing it. It’s difficult not to downplay my experiences, maybe he didn’t? my head keeps telling me, maybe you're overreacting? maybe you should have said no louder? said no firmer? made your feelings more clear? fought back more? maybe you did want it? Could you have done more?
I can’t keep these fucking thoughts out of my head. I try to be objective, try to think what if it was someone else telling me these experiences what would I say? I would say it was rape, that what he did wasn’t okay and that it wasn’t your fault. I try to tell myself these things, I try to know them, but I can’t. What if I’m remembering it wrong?
You know what is making this even more fucked up, I comforted him after the times he assaulted or raped me. Fucking hell right? He would do this thing, he’d “lose control” and in those times nothing I said got through to him, He’d continue onward getting whatever he wanted, because I’d teased him to the point where he couldn’t control himself anymore, so it was my fault wasn’t it? He would finish what he was doing, he would finish raping me, and “come back” and feel oh so bad that he’d “lost control” and he was so sorry, he’d hug me and feel so bad and I’d comfort him, I’d say “no its okay, it’s my fault you got like that” “if I really wanted you to stop I could have gotten away”.
Fucking hell. This happened multiple times, how did it take me years after it to realize? We’ve been broken up for over a year now, and I can still hardly come to terms with the fact that he raped me, I can hardly say it to myself let alone other people, that’s why I’m writing this, it’s helping me to say it to myself. I remember so clearing, on the verge of tears, trying to say no, lying on my front as he choked me from behind, taking me from behind, painfully.
I think about him, now and again. How can I not? He is the focal point for a whole heaping load of my trauma, I wonder if he knows what he did to me? I wonder if he knows that was rape. I wonder if he cares. I doubt it. I doubt he knows what he did to me.
He fucking ruined me, I was so toxic nearing the end of our relationship, he made me that way, his toxicity and abusive behavior rubbed off on me. how could it not when that was all I’d known since 13. He left me, I don’t regret us breaking up, its actually this best thing that could have happened to me, but the fact that my abuser is out there, my rapist is out there, living a happy guilt-free life, telling other people that I was the toxic/abusive one, it fucking sucks, really fucking sucks. The fact that he left me that I don’t get that closure fucking hurts. Extra information, he left me over a phone call, by the way, 7 years and he leaves me over the phone, his lasts words were “I’ll message you later”, he never did, I’m glad he didn’t but god doesn’t that suck.
I know I wasn’t perfect, I know I was toxic, our whole fucking relationship was toxic. But he broke me, he abused me and raped me and when I was thoroughly fucking broken, so fucking broken even he didn’t want me anymore, he tossed me aside and took the goddamn moral high ground. He gets to say he left me, the toxic person.
what the fuck am I meant to do now.
After a 7 year relationship, I have a lot more things I could write about with regards to him. I probably will in the future.
If your reading this and you need someone to talk to about a toxic or abusive partner, reach out, I promise you, your friends and family notice their effect on you and want to help. I love you.
